Maybe this semester won't be so bad. I decided not to work and live off of govt. financial aid in order to focus on school. I have a lot of time on my hands and it is up to me to take responsibility for that. I can't complain about work when the only necessary thing I have to do a week is attend classes for a combined total of 12 hours. So if I sleep 7 hours a night (hah!) that means I have 107 hours all to myself. It's totally my fault if I goof off and blow this semester. I don't really know what I'm worried about. I shouldn't be...I have never done bad before. I'm a worrier. What can I say?
Well, I am still sick and yucky. Going to doc's today. I need a nice long sleep.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Sick
Blegh. Hate being sick. It always makes me depressed. Hate feeling weak. What can you do?
I just can't seem to get the hang of this healthy thing.
I just can't seem to get the hang of this healthy thing.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Resolutions
I'm not a huge fan of New Year's Resolutions, but I guess since this is a new decade some self-examinations and reflections are in order. So....here goes:
1) Never use cheap toilet paper, again. Ever.
2) Paint the house
3) Be debt free (not loan free, unfortunately)
4) Lose 10lbs. (optional; vanity thy name is...)
5) Make an effort to clean the house, even when people aren't coming over
6) Record my thoughts in some form (here, Twitter, Facebook...you get the picture)
7) Those times when I want to say something and for some reason I don't, say it.
8) Find confidence in my ambitions
9) Bathe more often (like, everyday would be great)
10) Find self-worth through my own eyes
11) Be excited about life
12) Let somethings go
13) Don't take them for granted
14) Appreciate today
15) Let "if I only knew then what I know now" what I know now.
1) Never use cheap toilet paper, again. Ever.
2) Paint the house
3) Be debt free (not loan free, unfortunately)
4) Lose 10lbs. (optional; vanity thy name is...)
5) Make an effort to clean the house, even when people aren't coming over
6) Record my thoughts in some form (here, Twitter, Facebook...you get the picture)
7) Those times when I want to say something and for some reason I don't, say it.
8) Find confidence in my ambitions
9) Bathe more often (like, everyday would be great)
10) Find self-worth through my own eyes
11) Be excited about life
12) Let somethings go
13) Don't take them for granted
14) Appreciate today
15) Let "if I only knew then what I know now" what I know now.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Put your lighters in the air...
What a decade...
In 2000 I started high school and made a choice that rocked my world. A choice that left me vulnerable, ridiculed, alone and naked (mmm literally). This was a year of skipping classes to cry in bathroom stalls, genuinely wanting to die, shame, powerlessness, friendlessness, and seeing how evil people really can be.
I still have that fucking papa roach cd
In 2001 I went to my first predominantly black high school where I had my views challenged and had to face some hard facts about my own prejudices. It was the first time I saw that separate but not equal still existed. This was a year of escaping, discovering, embracing, and anger at the "man".
I was a model and a dancer.
In 2002 I switched schools again (separate but equal, ya know. mom wasn't having it). I met some of the best friends, best girls I've ever had in my life. Haven't been able to recreate anything close. It was a year of rediscovering my voice, examining my origins (familial and roots), identifying sources of my hurt and pain, finding answers that explain the past.
In 2003 No more switching! This year was mellow, this year was fun. This year was a year for firsts. One of them left me with a poem of disappointment and the other left me with a new orientation (and a love for canoes and camping). This was a year of renewal, continuity, self-discovery, acceptance, but also realizing escaping gets you no where.
My grandmother (my hero, my heart) had a stroke shortly after Christmas.
In 2004 This was a year of endings and beginnings. I ended high school and began college. I ended some amazingly close friendships (don't know what happened to her) and began a friendship with someone that my soul found. I ended hoping to redeem anything with my father (thoughts at that time) and began a relationship with a man that gave (and gives) more love than I ever thought I'd have or deserved.
Thanks to a cute teacher, and the clearest answers I've ever encountered about this world we live in, I found my heart in Psychology.
In 2005 I experienced a break from reality. Cutting, counseling, violence, self-abuse, addictions, loss. This was a year of wandering and realizing escape was futile.
My hero, my heart, died.
In 2006 Things chilled wayyyyyyyy down, but I lost some friends along the way (or atleast it felt like that). After everything it seemed I had also lost myself.
I was a camp counselor.
In 2007 I went to Belgium...and what happened in Belgium stays wayyyy over in Belgium. I met some of the coolest girls on the planet. Meena Baneena, Roni, Irish Rugby teams, that Irish pub, being sick as a dog at that Chocolate factory, "I didn't get any bread with my meal" all words of an unrepeatable memory.
I GOT ENGAGED...I graduated...I (was about to marry someone who) bought a house.
In 2008 Very schizo year. I got married, I started an awful job, I quit an awful job, I started school, I discovered how fun marriage can be.
In 2009 SHIT HIT THE FAN. Years of ups and downs, depression and elation, self-harm and self-grandiosity finally decided to make some sense. I still get lonely. I still hurt. There are still some things that have been left undealt with and unrecognized. But I Finally Found Myself. This year was a year of preparation for the rest of my life. This year made this decade make sense!
I am a beautiful, black, smart, married, daughter, sister, ambitious, provocative, hopeful entrepreneur, quirky, silly, competitive, sentimental, caring, closet singer, avid dancer, "lover" of "many", organizer, dreamer, lover of ridiculous music, champion of sex and women, sensitive, wonderful person.
Here's to you, my beloved decade...
C
In 2000 I started high school and made a choice that rocked my world. A choice that left me vulnerable, ridiculed, alone and naked (mmm literally). This was a year of skipping classes to cry in bathroom stalls, genuinely wanting to die, shame, powerlessness, friendlessness, and seeing how evil people really can be.
I still have that fucking papa roach cd
In 2001 I went to my first predominantly black high school where I had my views challenged and had to face some hard facts about my own prejudices. It was the first time I saw that separate but not equal still existed. This was a year of escaping, discovering, embracing, and anger at the "man".
I was a model and a dancer.
In 2002 I switched schools again (separate but equal, ya know. mom wasn't having it). I met some of the best friends, best girls I've ever had in my life. Haven't been able to recreate anything close. It was a year of rediscovering my voice, examining my origins (familial and roots), identifying sources of my hurt and pain, finding answers that explain the past.
In 2003 No more switching! This year was mellow, this year was fun. This year was a year for firsts. One of them left me with a poem of disappointment and the other left me with a new orientation (and a love for canoes and camping). This was a year of renewal, continuity, self-discovery, acceptance, but also realizing escaping gets you no where.
My grandmother (my hero, my heart) had a stroke shortly after Christmas.
In 2004 This was a year of endings and beginnings. I ended high school and began college. I ended some amazingly close friendships (don't know what happened to her) and began a friendship with someone that my soul found. I ended hoping to redeem anything with my father (thoughts at that time) and began a relationship with a man that gave (and gives) more love than I ever thought I'd have or deserved.
Thanks to a cute teacher, and the clearest answers I've ever encountered about this world we live in, I found my heart in Psychology.
In 2005 I experienced a break from reality. Cutting, counseling, violence, self-abuse, addictions, loss. This was a year of wandering and realizing escape was futile.
My hero, my heart, died.
In 2006 Things chilled wayyyyyyyy down, but I lost some friends along the way (or atleast it felt like that). After everything it seemed I had also lost myself.
I was a camp counselor.
In 2007 I went to Belgium...and what happened in Belgium stays wayyyy over in Belgium. I met some of the coolest girls on the planet. Meena Baneena, Roni, Irish Rugby teams, that Irish pub, being sick as a dog at that Chocolate factory, "I didn't get any bread with my meal" all words of an unrepeatable memory.
I GOT ENGAGED...I graduated...I (was about to marry someone who) bought a house.
In 2008 Very schizo year. I got married, I started an awful job, I quit an awful job, I started school, I discovered how fun marriage can be.
In 2009 SHIT HIT THE FAN. Years of ups and downs, depression and elation, self-harm and self-grandiosity finally decided to make some sense. I still get lonely. I still hurt. There are still some things that have been left undealt with and unrecognized. But I Finally Found Myself. This year was a year of preparation for the rest of my life. This year made this decade make sense!
I am a beautiful, black, smart, married, daughter, sister, ambitious, provocative, hopeful entrepreneur, quirky, silly, competitive, sentimental, caring, closet singer, avid dancer, "lover" of "many", organizer, dreamer, lover of ridiculous music, champion of sex and women, sensitive, wonderful person.
Here's to you, my beloved decade...
C
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Definitions...
Bipolar II Disorder is a bipolar spectrum disorder characterized by at least one hypomanic episode and at least one major depressive episode; with this disorder, depressive episodes are more frequent and more intense than manic episodes. It is believed to be underdiagnosed because hypomanic behavior often presents as incredibly high-functioning behavior...
Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; "black and white" thinking, or splitting; chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation. These disturbances can have a pervasive negative impact on many or all of the psychosocial facets of life. This includes difficulties maintaining relationships in work, home and social settings. Attempted suicide and completed suicide are possible outcomes, especially without proper care and effective therapy...
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